


The Benevolence of Jelf the Elf

by hangryforavocados (Abb_the_Crab)



Category: COMMUNICATIONS Series - GHOST, Peppa Pig (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fox News, I swear, Jelf is an edgelord, Peppa Pig is in this, References to Big Clappy, shitpost, someone help me, this is a joke, this isn't serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 14:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15026864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abb_the_Crab/pseuds/hangryforavocados
Summary: God help me.





	The Benevolence of Jelf the Elf

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so fucking sorry.
> 
> Also, follow me on ig you fucking slugs, I'm @publicserviceabbott

Once upon a time there was a fine young man by the name of Kennith who lived in the fine young state of Washington DC.

One day, after a long day of hijacking FOX News and brainwashing a lot of people with some weird television broadcast, Kennith was very hungry, or hangry, as some would call it. So, he decided to go to McDonnies for some b o n e l e s s chicken. 

So Kennith nyoomed up to the drive thru window, getting everyone to “MOVE BITCH, GET OUTTA THE WAY” because he had brainwashed most of them with his FOX News broadcast.

When he got to the window, he was greeted by Jelf the Elf, who was very aNgErY that Kennith had brainwashed lots of people.

(Jelf the Elf had been watching FOX News, but hadn’t been brainwashed since Jelf is literally God and all-powerful).

“Jingle bells, jingle bells,” Jelf sang, his dulcet tones making everyone within a ten mile radius swoon “OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

“Hello,” Kennith said simply. “Can I get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh b o n e l e s s chicken?”

The clap machine wasn’t broke, but since Jelf was AnGeRy with Kennith for brainwashing people (Of course, Jelf was only righteously AnGeRy because Jelf is a benevolent deity) he said, with a smug, righteous grin on his face “Chicken machine broke.”

Since Kennith was tired, he decided to not pick a fight and scrap with the most powerful and cool deity in the universe, Jelf the Elf, and he just said “Understandable have a nice day.” And Kennith nyoomed away to Winnetka, where he knew a housewife who would offer him the most b o n e l e s s of dinners.

When Kennith arrived on Nancy’s doorstep, he realized that no one was home. Or rather, no one alive was home.

“F U CK.” Kennith yelled, almost nyooming up to the roof. “That stupid elf god killed that bitch Nancy and her weird husbando because I look like Buggs Bunny!”

So he decided to break into the house to get some b o n e l e s s chicken. It’s not like that was the worst thing he had done that day.

When Kennith got in the house, he heard a loud squeal from behind him. “Oh no you fucking don’t,” the voice screeched, in a British accent. Kennith whirled around, and laid his eyes upon the beautiful face of a fully-grown adult Peppa Pig. “Git gud, m8,” Peppa said, and pulled out a semi-automatic rifle and unleashed a rain of hellfire upon Kennith, who screamed something about Buggs Bunny. 

After Peppa had finished killing Kennith with her semi-automatic rifle she nyoomed over to Nancy’s dead body.

Peppa cried a beautiful, singular tear for Nancy (Who she had been crushing on for ages) and cried out to her god, Jelf the Elf. “Oh Heavenly Father Jelf,” She cried. “Jelf, my saviour, bring back Nancy, my one and only love.” 

And so Jelf, who had long since admired Nancy’s beauty and kindness (aside from when she killed her husbando) resurrected Nancy.

Nancy fell off her chair and coughed. Peppa kissed her.

Fast forward a few years and the two were living in the apartment from Seinfeld, having given birth to the world's new Jesus, Jelf Junior.

And thus, all was right in the universe, bringing an end to our perfect little story.


End file.
